Why do couples rate attractive strangers and rank celebrity crushes -- and is it good for the relationship?
Couples that ogle together, stay together -- at least that was the message from some readers in response to yesterday's piece, "In Defense of Wandering Eyes." "I encourage it. I join in. 'Ooh, she's just your type,'" one woman wrote. Another said, "If I see him look, I look right along with him. I sometimes even bring them to his attention, as it's me who often notices them." This is an oddly familiar dynamic: I've seen countless couples rate strangers' attractiveness or critically evaluate a particular celebrity's sex appeal -- and yet I haven't heard much about the machinations behind these appraisals. So, inspired by yesterday's comments, I decided to ask people to share their personal experiences and sought out what relationship experts had to say about this odd little dance that couples do.
Julia, 28, tells me that she does this all the time with her boyfriend -- usually "in the context of pretty people on TV." She explains that it "maintains a safe space to be open about being attracted to other people." It's "reassuring to be able to talk about it, in the no-secrets sense of it," she says. Experts say this is a perfectly healthy thing -- for the same reason that letting a partner's eyes wander can actually discourage cheating. Peggy Vaughan, author of "To Have and to Hold," writes, "Attractions become a much greater threat to the relationship whenever acknowledging them is taboo," she says. "If you can't talk about these feelings, they become your own private secret and are likely to grow in intensity and desire."
In "Mating in Captivity," Esther Perel makes a similar argument: "Some couples choose not to ignore the lure of the forbidden. Instead, they subvert its power by inviting it in." This "it" is what she calls "the possibility of the third," the acknowledgment that "our partner has his or her own sexuality, replete with fantasies and desires that aren't necessarily about us." When we "validate one another's freedom within the relationship, we're less inclined to search for it elsewhere," she argues. "It's no longer a shadow but a presence, something to talk about openly, joke about, play with." As one Salon commenter said, "I did not get together with my husband through some delusion on either part that I am the most attractive woman around (or vice-versa)." In fact, Perel argues that the real harm is in buying into the myth that being in a relationship means that you lose your attraction to anyone but your significant other.
